Non veg jokes

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary
with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and
registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very
friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young
woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come 
to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to 
hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked
in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." 
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can 
buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't
believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then
eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George,
pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City
restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting
out the windows and doors.
The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty
eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place,
and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video.
I have no choice but to sentence your client ..."
"Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be 
guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help
his behavior that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the
dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree."
The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary
into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and
white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When
his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told
them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't
get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.

So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and
prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was
the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her
dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I
am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like
that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad!
Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd
got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he 
explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I
stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same
big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us
you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like
that---so I shoved it back in."
Bill's Postage Stamp

When Bill Clinton completed 5 years of his
Presidency, he wanted a special
postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so 
instructed Hillary, stressing that it should
be of international
quality. The stamps were duly
released and Clinton was pleased.
But within a few days of release of the stamp, he
began hearing complaints
that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he
became furious.
He called Hillary and ordered her to investigate
the matter. Hillary checked
the matter out at several post offices, and then
reported the problem to Clinton.
She said: "There is nothing wrong with the quality
of the stamp. The problem is people are
spitting on the wrong side."
Two little potatoes are standing on the street
corner. How can you tell
which one is the prostitute???
One has a little sticker that says IDAHO.
Pre-Nuptial Agreement
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that..
Section 1: In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,
wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01: And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff
like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a
cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02: I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2: I fully understand that a woman's main role in any
relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the
bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex
scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault.
Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3: Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out,
I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan
yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01: I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity
in the bedroom.

Section 3.02: And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4: After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I
will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor
will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01: I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5: In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual
position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just
lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01: I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends
and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies.
Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they
have to stay.

Section 5.02: I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in
order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake
of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month

Section 5.03: I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact
that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04: I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body and
will always love your *weekend* beard...

Section 6: After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends
or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And
if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have
"ruined me for other men".

Section 6: I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer
games and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I
will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're
in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.01: With the exception of the following household items: iron,
washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage
can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

Comparisons between man and women
Since the beginning of time, men and women have had comparisons made about 
them. Here are a few examples.

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each 
other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to 
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Shorty

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in 
$20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything 
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a 
bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man 
would not be able to identify most of these items.

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, 
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments 
and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and 

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
You're not sure of:

THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take off your clothes"

THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide"

THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says, "Do you want it teased or

THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or
the back"

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in,
you'll love it."

THE SHARE BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up,
fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again"

THE BANKER: because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll
lose interest"

THE HUNTER: because he "Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice
and always eats what he shoots"

THE BELL TELEPHONE GUY: because he says, "Would you like
it on the table or against the wall?
Blow job joke
A Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments 
are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. 
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on 
this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being 
tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It 
has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous 
blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into 
the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, stop now you've been 
Bill had a very clever dog called Rex.
Rex had a theatrical streak in him, he would sit in
front of the TV. studying all the big old Hollywood
stars, then impersonate them in his own inimitable fashion.
His master cottoned on to this and turned it into a
game between himself and Rex. With Bill guessing whom
Rex was impersonating.
He would come home to find his talented pooch with a
couple of Banana's and a Grapefruit balanced on his head.
'Carmen Miranda' shouted Bill and the dog would bark and lick his face.
And another day Bill would come home to find Rex with
his Bowler hat nestled on his canine skull and a black
postage stamp stuck above his top lip.
'Charlie Chaplin' exclaimed Bill joyfully. Rex barked
and licked his face.
And this would go on day after day, to the delight
to the both of them.
One night a burglar broke into Bills home whilst Bill
and Rex slept. Rex always slept in the L-shaped bathroom
cos it was warm. The burglar in his nervous excitement
felt his bowels loosen up A shit was well and truly upon
its way. However rather than use the toilet bowl he
decided in true Burglar fashion to take a dump in the
bath. Something to do with inflicting as much humiliation
of the victim as possible. In all this time leaving the
light off, in case he drew unwanted attention to his
presence So our Burglar dropped his pants and off loaded
his crap into the bath. 
Now dogs have a developed sense of smell and Rex was
no exception. The wafts of shit not having the benefit
of being neutralized by any submergence in water made
its way round the L-shape, to rouse Rex from his slumber.
Rex sniffed the air, got up on all fours and proceeded
to find the source of the whiff. As he spied the Burglar
he growled. The Burglar who was just pulling up his
pants, would have surely shit himself he hadn't just
all ready done so. He spun round to see just a pair
of eyes eerily glowing in the darkness. With all his
Street-wise fast thinking our Burglar picked up his
own turd from the bath, grabbed a can of shaving foam
from the side and lunged at the growling face in the
darkness smearing the excrement over Rex's eyes and
face and then spraying the shaving foam into
his mouth for good measure in one deft move. The distressed
mutt howled for all his worth. The Burglar by this time had
realized it wasn't very wise to stay around and
bounded out of the window. At that moment woken
by the commotion Bill walked in, switched on the
Bathroom light to find Rex's face smeared
completely with shit and foam oozing around his mouth.
'Ha ha, very good' beamed Bill 'Al Jolson'
Rex barked and tore Bills throat out! 
clock joke
The President had ordered his intern into his office. As she entered the
Prez asked her if she wanted to see his clock. She answered, "Sure, why
not." With that he drops his pants and exposes himself. The intern was so
shocked that she replied "That's not a clock, that's a cock."
The Prez turned around and said "It would be a clock if you put a face and
two hands on it."

International joke
An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, 
butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. 
The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts 
a conversation:
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only 
eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, 
transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." 
The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. 
In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, 
then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle 
them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk.
American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle 
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada.

Fool sex jokes
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with
nothing on except his Boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell
are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary Lou
was down on the farm and we started
a-cuddlin.' Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a-cuddlin' some
more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then
Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.
So, I took off all my clothes except my boots.
Then Mary Lou lay herself on the hay
and said 'Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!'...
I guess I'm the first one here."

Gay jokes
Two gays by the names of Rupert and Ralph were having long hard sex in a
small cottage in south Kent, England. When they had both finished Rupert
turns to Ralph and says, " I'm just going to go and make us a cup of tea,
and then when I come back, I'll wank you off, okay?"
" Okay," says Ralph. "Don't you do it, or I'll be very angry and upset,"
says Rupert.
10 minutes later Rupert opens the bedroom door only to find cum all over
the bed, up the walls , on the carpet,.. every where. " I thought I told
you not to wank yourself off!" says Rupert. " I never, " says Ralph. "Well
what in gods name to do you call all this?" says Rupert..............
............" I farted, " replies Ralph.

Making sandwiches
One night a guy and his girlfriend were having sex. They were in his room he shared with his little brother. They were on top of his bunk bed, and his 9 year old brother was sleeping below. The guy told his brother they were making sandwiches. To his girlfriend he said “bread” means harder and “cheese” means faster. “BREAD BREAD BREAD!” The girlfriend screamed. “CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE!” The guy screamed. Then the 9 year old called up “you guys better stop making those sandwiches – this mayo tastes horrible!

Mailman joke
One day a boy finds his parents in the act. “Oh, piggy back ride!” The boy says. Relieved not to have to explain, his dad says, “Hop on, son!” He gets on his dad’s back. After a few minutes, the boy says “Now hold on tight, Dad, this is where the mailman and I usually get thrown off.